I love to write. Often, my fingers will fly over the keyboard and the screen will show words and thoughts that I didn’t even know I had. The really incredible times are when I know that all of the words and thoughts did not originate with me; instead, I am simply a vessel used by One greater than I. Sometimes, the words in my head are so loud, I can literally hear nothing else. Other times, there is great silence and my fingers rest on the keyboard of my computer with no where to go. Life experience has taught me that it’s better to walk away when there is silence and wait.
Because I love to write, I often feel very insecure and inadequate in what I do. Thoughts of “why would anyone want to read this?” and “where did I ever get the idea that I can write?” plague me. I fear that others will view me as one who thinks more highly of herself than I ought. I wonder “who cares what I write?”. Faithfully, He has shown me that this is a “trust issue” for me. HE cares because He gave this gift to me. Do I trust Him enough to exercise the gifts that He has given me and trust that He will take care of all the rest? Slowly, I’m learning to let go and to “trust and obey”.
When I began blogging a year ago, I thought I would only use the blog for posting the Bible studies that I had completed. However, I found that I loved talking about my journey, where God was taking me and things that I was learning along the way. Unfortunately, my Bible study blog became bogged down with personal thoughts and it became difficult to find the Bible studies. Not knowing what else to do, I deleted all of the rambling blog posts in an effort to make the blog site more navigable. In doing that, I also stopped writing. It wasn’t a reaction of walking away because there were no words. Instead, I quit because of fear and because of pride.
Thankfully, I am a work in progress and my God doesn’t give up on me. Instead, He used others to spur me on. First, He sent my blogging friend, Shawntele, to email me and ask me why I wasn’t blogging anymore. I wish I had been totally honest with Shawntele. Instead, I gave a worn-out excuse, “I’m taking a break.” Later, God showed me how much I enjoy my “real-life friend”, Angie’s blog. Angie does an incredible job documenting her daily life with three little girls. Her real-life antecdotes make me laugh and her life lessons encourage me in my journey. Still, I wasn’t convinced I needed to return to writing and to blogging. Finally, God got my attention when my sister started blogging. Seriously, my sister is one of the most private people I know and yet now she blogs. Not only does she blog, she actually gives rare and raw glimpses into her heart. She does this, seemingly, without concern of what other’s think. She simply shares her heart in a real-life way.
So, I’m back to writing and to blogging. It feels good. It feels right. I’ve missed it.