Ten years ago yesterday… my heart wrenched. In that moment when the ultrasound showed that his heart was no longer beating, I forgot to breathe. Chad held my hand and Jesus held my heart. I’m confident He even breathed for me.
Matthew Eli Kreider, the son I held with my heart and never held in my arms. He left his footprints on my soul and the memory of him in my heart. He was birthed to eternity from the secret place of my womb… into the arms of Jesus. Without my consent but with my acknowledgment.
On that day, a decade ago, a paradigm shift happened when my heart wrenched. I thought I knew God. I thought I knew the goodness of God. I thought I recognized gifts from Him. He allowed my heart to twist so that I could get a better view of His goodness in pain and His gifts in hard times. Though I had believed in Jesus for 25 years, it took deep heart pain for me to see He is God and He is good… all the time!
I haven’t forgotten the son I never held. I sometimes wonder what he would have been like. Would he have blue eyes like his big brother and little sister or brown eyes like his big sister? Would he have been athletic like Eric or adventurous like Emme? It’s in that wondering that I stop myself and surrender my thoughts… he wasn’t created to have blue eyes or brown, nor was he created to be athletic or adventurous. Instead, he came and lived within for such a brief time to change me… to change us. His created purpose was bigger than I could have ever imagined.
It’s in the healing that a decade brings that I see the more gifts than I could have ever imagined when we were given the gift of Matthew Eli.
Counting gifts again on this Multitude Monday with the gratitude community at Ann’s.
… rainy mornings that cool hot summer weekends
… a weekend of biking fun
… a 13th birthday for my girl
… the freedom to be away on her birthday
… a fun weekend for her
… a bike parade through town
… smiles and giggles
… when few words communicate much
… a weekend to write
… watching the mancub taking on more responsibility
… answered prayers
… moments to stop and recognize the healing He brings