the healing a decade brings…

Ten years ago yesterday… my heart wrenched.  In that moment when the ultrasound showed that his heart was no longer beating, I forgot to breathe.  Chad held my hand and Jesus held my heart.  I’m confident He even breathed for me.

Matthew Eli Kreider, the son I held with my heart and never held in my arms.  He left his footprints on my soul and the memory of him in my heart.  He was birthed to eternity from the secret place of my womb… into the arms of Jesus.   Without my consent but with my acknowledgment.

On that day, a decade ago, a paradigm shift happened when my heart wrenched.  I thought I knew God.  I thought I knew the goodness of God.  I thought I recognized gifts from Him.  He allowed my heart to twist so that I could get a better view of His goodness in pain and His gifts in hard times.  Though I had believed in Jesus for 25 years, it took deep heart pain for me to see He is God and He is good… all the time!

I haven’t forgotten the son I never held.  I sometimes wonder what he would have been like.  Would he have blue eyes like his big brother and little sister or brown eyes like his big sister?  Would he have been athletic like Eric or adventurous like Emme?  It’s in that wondering that I stop myself and surrender my thoughts… he wasn’t created to have blue eyes or brown, nor was he created to be athletic or adventurous.  Instead, he came and lived within for such a brief time to change me… to change us.   His created purpose was bigger than I could have ever imagined.

It’s in the healing that a decade brings that I see the more gifts than I could have ever imagined when we were given the gift of Matthew Eli.

Counting gifts again on this Multitude Monday with the gratitude community at Ann’s.

… rainy mornings that cool hot summer weekends

… a weekend of biking fun

… a 13th birthday for my girl

… the freedom to be away on her birthday

… a fun weekend for her

… a bike parade through town

… smiles and giggles

… when few words communicate much

… a weekend to write

… watching the mancub taking on more responsibility

… answered prayers

… moments to stop and recognize the healing He brings

Categories miscarriage, UncategorizedTags ,

14 thoughts on “the healing a decade brings…

  1. Popped over here from Ann’s ~ The words in your post seemed to express your heart so beautifully! So glad I stopped by : )

    1. Thank you, Pam. I often struggle to find the words to say what my heart feels. Thanks for the encouragement!

  2. So beautifully expressed — both the pain and the healing. I love your heart here and in sharing your faith mine is encouraged — God IS good ALL the time…

    Blessings to you…

    1. Thanks for the kind words, Michele-Lyn. Your post, today, encouraged me… I’m glad I could return the favor. ; )

  3. Your thoughts, so beautifully expressed, gave words to the ache in my own heart over my own miscarriage many years ago. Thank-you! Kelly

  4. Heidi, I can not even imagine the journey this experience took you on. Your expression of love for your lost son is so tender it’s almost palpable. This is sure to encourage any woman dealing with a miscarriage.

    1. Your words mean much, Shannon. Thank you!

  5. Beautifully written, Heidi.

  6. Beautiful. We will never understand why these things happen, but the beauty comes when we allow God to use that pain to help and encourage others. You certainly did that. Thank you for sharing!

    1. yes! He makes beauty from ashes! Thanks for reading, friend!

  7. Not sure how I landed on this post of May 21st. Linking to you from your LIKE on Under the Cover of Prayer. What a heartfelt post. You have written this so well.
    At that time when you lost your son on this earth – I gained my life as I gave my life to Jesus. Knowing that you will meet Matthew again and all that stored up love will be showered on him.

    We said our goodbye at a committal service for my Mom on Saturday – the goodbye was from this life – but we know we will see her again and she is now dancing with my Dad.

    Many blessings,

    1. Glad you came by Jan… I found you in Ann’s gratitude community this morning.

      I’m sorry for your loss but thankful your parents are reunited!

      …because every day is a gift,

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