needs vs wants… and the ongoing battle in my heart

Needs vs. Wants… my heart battles this daily.

I have many wants, and equally few needs.

This weekend the needs vs. wants battle raged deep and ugly in my heart.  I need water, food, shelter, and clothing.  Probably in that order… and I certainly need less of those than I currently have.

I want much.  I want the funds to make education an easy choice for our family.  I want the time to spend 1 on 1 with each of the four I love the most.  I want the funds to give away and give to myself.  I want the time to stay home and educate the one still homeschooled. I want the funds to buy what I think I need when I think I need it  I want the time to do as I please when I please.

Thus, the battle.

A big part of this journey of unwrapping God’s presence began six years ago when my man and I had to face the ugly truth of our spending habits.  Thankfully, there was no ugly truth to face with our savings habits… because we didn’t have that habit.  It’s a pathetic thing when grown adults have to look at each other and say, “wow… how did we get here?”

The war of need vs want began in my heart that day.

Looking back over the past six years, the years know what the days could not see… and hindsight says the journey was worth the fight… or fights, because there were many of them.  Both of us had a lot of growing up to do and we both had to fight our own battle of need vs want.

We battled.  We fought.  And, in the end, the war of debt was won.  We learned much of our selves and each other.  We learned to be content with less.  Much less.

We’ve come so far!

Sometimes I stand amazed at the goodness of God and how He has changed our hearts.  Other times, I fall flat on my face at my own ugly heart.  This heart which has learned much about God’s faithfulness, His goodness, His generosity, and His grace and yet I still battle need vs want.

Today is day five with no internet at home… well, aside from the internet Chad gets on his phone.  My phone is on a basic call/text plan and I use our broadband for internet.  Until I use it all up….  and have to wait for the meter to reset.

… and then I whined…

 My hearts been ugly this weekend.  I’ve whined to God that I NEED internet at home.  I NEED to check status updates, stat counters, my book, twitter, and facebook.  I NEED to stay in touch.  I NEED this…. and on and on and on… because the whining didn’t stop there.  Too many things to list here were part of the whining God heard this weekend.

Yes, I am that pathetic.

So, on this Multitude Monday with the gratitude community at Ann’s, I sit at Starbucks taking advantage of their free internet.  No drink, though … just using what is offered for free and feeling a tad guilty.  I’m here for a heart change.  A time to spend thanking HIm for the gifts  He bestows above and beyond my basic needs of water, food, shelter, and clothing.

…because gratitude is the only way I know how to fight the battle.

for these and more, I am grateful…

… a cooler week

… fun campfire with friends because s’mores taste better when you share your chocolate

… a great end to a super school year

… a boy stepping up to embrace leadership on the team

… a boss who seeks us out to tell us what a great job our son is doing

… ongoing jobs to provide income to return to Guatemala

… a truck that mysteriously (miraculously?) is running fine after not

… looking forward to an upcoming family reunion

… the giggle of siblings

… backyard softball games that go ’til dark

… reconciliation

… the proof of a book that came in the mail

… the sacrifice of him sitting with me and helping get this book in print

… the hand that finds mine in the quiet and dark

… knowing this is not my home

… knowing that all of this stuff of life is vanity… chasing after the wind

… knowing my heart is slowly changing my perception of need vs want

… knowing I’m forgiven every. single. time I fail

8 thoughts on “needs vs wants… and the ongoing battle in my heart

  1. Oh, how I feel your battle and applaud the way you are winning the war! We, too, continue to shave and give up and live on less in hopes of having MORE of what matters- peace and freedom and a story that only God can write. And I TOTALLY get that ugly heart thing. Can’t believe what sparks my discontent- silly things, never needs. I want so badly to be free from myself in this area- just wholly emptied and opened to what HE wants to give- not what I want to have. Uggh.. thanks for being honest and real here today. Popping over from Ann’s.

  2. I can relate to this post. We are still in the battle of waging the war on debt, but have made significant progress. The battle of need vs want is always there and can rear its ugly head when we least expect it. Thanks for your encouraging words.

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