when stepping down adds length to the end of the rope…

Life has been hard lately. Yesterday, I learned why… I read Amber and I cried.

I am that animal.. the one pulling and straining so hard at the very end of the tether. What I want is just out of reach. Yet, somehow, I feel as though if I strain just hard enough, I will be able to reach it… have it… live it.

I have served the same religion that Amber described… that one where I have given sacrificially and lived without long enough that I am due for some good things to come my way.  Somewhere in the journey, my good intentions became about ME.

My God is too good and kind to allow that kind of self-seeking religion steal His glory. His severe mercy has been stripping away… quite literally removing blessings… to remind me that He is God, I am not.

It’s hard. It hurts. I don’t like it.

I’ve strained hard enough and long enough at the end of the tether that I am covered with rope burns… anger, self-righteous indignation, self-pity, and frustration… to name a few.

Even writing this post is hard… because I want it to be different.

Yet, when the one working vehicle died about 100 ft from my driveway this morning, I stepped down. I pulled it off into an empty lot, stepped down out of it, and locked the doors.

Walking home was a way of me stepping down and suddenly the rope wasn’t chafing and cutting into me. My heart surrendered to His plan, not mine. I realized that this tether that God has me on to protect me from myself isn’t harmful if I don’t strain. Each step home the rope loosened and the slack became longer.

So, here I am. Not really understanding where I am but I KNOW Who I am with. He is enough.