After 2 1/2 months of increasingly more frequent headaches and migraines I finally went to the eye doctor yesterday.
The funny thing?
I have been to the eye doctor before and aside from the puff of air in my eyeball, I really don’t mind going.
So… why did I wait?
It all boils down to my age. My next birthday I will be 44. I can’t like that number. Each year in this decade of my 40s seems significantly older to me than the year before. And, quite honestly, I’m not ready to be old yet.
I put off going to the eye doctor because I had already decided what the outcome would be. I was sure the eye doctor would tisk and shake his head and say something like… “oh my! You are definitely getting older and it’s time for bifocals.”
Why do I do this?
Why do I predetermine the outcome of a situation before it comes to pass? If I could go back and look at the statistics of all the times I’ve predetermined the outcome of a situation, I think I would probably discover that I have been wrong about 99.99999% of the time. And, yet, I continue to make up my mind ahead of time.
It’s a control thing.
The serpent told the Woman, “You won’t die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you’ll see what’s really going on. You’ll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil.”
When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she’d know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.
Genesis 3:4-6 (msg)
Just like Eve.
And, just like Eve, I was wrong. Way wrong. Not only was my pre-conclusion wrong, my heart was wrong for trusting my warped ideas rather than putting my trust completely into my Creator God who knows every hair on my head.
He knows. I don’t.
Every thought I had about the eye appointment was wrong. My vision thirteen years after LASIK is still 20/15. I don’t need reading glasses. I don’t need bifocals. I don’t have old lady eyes. However, I am getting glasses today.
Because my eyes simply need a little help. The astigmatism is worsening. And, my eyes are getting tired. The muscles don’t want to work as hard to compensate.
Somewhere in my trust in myself and my own warped ideas, God’s grace still shines through and gifts this distrusting heart…
…the gift of a kind doctor who took the time to listen to me when I said, “I can see that but it’s blurry around the edges” and then later took the time to explain to me why I see that way most of the time…
…the gift of a kind staff member who listened and laughed with me when I said, “I want the cheapest pair of frames you have because if I only have to wear them at night, no one will see them.”
…the gift of a one day turn around time to get the glasses my eyes need.
Gifts from a kind and merciful God to His daughter who thinks she knows more than He does.
That thought blows my mind!