when you want what I can’t give…

I feel you watching me.
I hear the questions in your voice when we talk hoping I have some answers to share.
I see you struggle in your journey expecting me to give you four easy steps to follow
I taste your fear, your insecurities, your pain as you share your heart…it’s a taste quite familiar to me.

You want me to touch your pain, validate your struggle, and carry it for you a ways.

I can’t.

I see you coming to me yet again,
and my basic survival of fight/flight sends me the other way.

I just can’t carry you.

I can’t even carry myself.

You think you know me,
but really you don’t.
You simply know enough about me to make some
dangerous assumptions.

You see the facebook status updates of my life…
the ninety minutes on a Sunday morning when I have dressed with my best smile and spit-polished my children’s faces and made my family look presentable.
Yet, you missed the struggle to get us all out the door in some semblance of order.

You hear the good and the right when we are all on display.
Yet, you missed the whine and the fight and the outright snark
that I’ve taught my children to use.
We’ve all become masters of manipulation to get our way.

Perhaps you feel that if your children just did A-B-C,
your life would be just about as perfect as mine.
Yet, where are you when A-B-C fails,
it all breaks loose and I’m left on my knees
begging for grace and another chance to make it right?

And, that fear and insecurity taste that you want me to share?
You don’t see that my heart consumes more than its fair share
and though my heart eats those often, I loathe the taste.

So, you see, I cannot give you what you think you want from me…
you have created an image of me that is not who I really am
and I cannot live up to your expectations.

I can’t even live up to mine.

All I know to do is to moment by moment
throw myself at my Savior’s feet
to receive the portion of grace I need for such a moment as that.

Care to join me
at the Throne of Grace?
He gives what your are looking for,
He carries burdens to heavy to bear.

It’s what He does,
not me.

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