when it doesn’t add up on paper…

We stood just outside the door.
I held a sleeping baby, borrowed for a few moments, in my arms .
Her toddler ran circles around us as we talked in quiet tones.

“How are you making it?” She asked.

“God,” I whispered, “because it certainly doesn’t add up on paper.”
For the first time in this walk
there was no fear in my heart…
or in my voice.
Finally trust.

What do you do, but trust, when He takes you
on a journey that doesn’t make cents?

He called us to give
and give
and give
and we did.

Until it was gone.

And, then He said
“Give again.
And again.
And again.”

Then I freaked out.

Because while we knew
that we knew
that we knew
what He was asking of us,
my man’s hours at his job
became less and less.

And suddenly giving
wasn’t about the warm fuzzies
and happy hearts.

Instead, it became hard
and cold…
or maybe just my heart did.

Month after month
after month…
I paid bills
and balanced the checkbook
with shaking hands
and a trembling heart.

I lashed out at God,
“This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be!
You promised pressed down,
shaken together,
running over…
not running out!”

Yet, not one bill went unpaid,
not one meal was skipped,
and not one away varsity game was missed.

Oh, my proud heart!

I can’t point to a specific time
when I stopped panicking,
just as I can’t find a particular place
where I stopped trying to get our finances
to balance on paper.

All I can tell you is this…
surrender happened
and I no longer fear
our financial future.

It goes against every financial class
I have ever taken
and any business lecture
I have ever heard.

Yet, I know this to be true…
just as I heard
my heart say it on Sunday…

when God is in it,
it doesn’t have to add up on paper.

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