I am, by nature, a very independent person. This served me well in my early twenties as a single person…I never feared being alone. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted, etc. If it wouldn’t have been for falling in love with the Blue-Eyed Wonder, I could have been content by myself for a long time.
Later, while in my early thirties, the Blue-Eyed Wonder put himself through nursing school by working 2 jobs and going to school. The deep independent streak kicked in and for 3 1/2 years, it served me well as I raised three little people, mostly by myself.
Now, finishing out my early forties, I am sensing that I’m losing that independence. Not in a stifling or rigid sort of way. Nor has it been forcibly taken from me. The Blue-Eyed Wonder hasn’t taken it. Instead, I’m finding myself becoming more and more dependent upon the very One who knit me together in my mother’s womb forty-five years ago.
Sometimes, in life, there are deep changes occurring far below the surface… in the dark, secret place of our soul. It is not until these work their way to the surface of our lives can we see them, feel them, hear them, taste them, or even smell them. Some changes only look good and others sound just right. Some changes taste sweet and other smell gangrenous. And, then there are the changes in our soul that feel amazing.
Like losing my independence.
I’m finding freedom in relying on my God for every thing. Every. Thing. He wants me to rest in Him, to trust in His wisdom, to seek His direction… to cease striving and KNOW that He is God.
And, when I do…He blows me away.
I have struggled finding the words to write this post. Mostly, because I don’t have it figured out and I haven’t found the Six Steps to Surrender. I only know what I know.
I know this…
He wants me to be dependent not independent because He loves me and wants to bestow great gifts upon me. In order for that to happen, though, I need to cease striving… quit trying to work it all out, stop attempting to bless myself.
There is still an independent streak in this soul. Thankfully, though, I’m losing it a little bit at a time to One who loves me more than I will ever know.