the moments that seize my soul…

Seventeen Christmases ago,
we had all the answers…
me and my bulging belly, that is.

I had cried and prayed for a baby for over a year
and I was confident I knew how to have the best baby ever.

That confidence lasted until the first induction failed.

The moment that seized my soul though
was the moment Chad sat the car seat
on the floor next to me while he made me a sandwich.

Our first moments home with our first-born
and the breath was squeezed right out of me.

I was terrified.

In the past sixteen years, there have been other moments
with this mancub of ours
that have seized my soul and squeezed the breath
right out of my lungs….

handing over my five week old for surgery
watching his back as he descended the steps to preschool
seeing the EMT treat him on the sideline during a pee wee game
dropping him off at the door to middle school after 8+ years home

Yesterday, I watched him walk out with confidence
and I couldn’t breathe.

As the ancient Honda’s tail lights drove down my driveway,
I found myself, once again breathless and terrified.

For you see, it isn’t just the act of getting his license
that has my heart all a flutter…
it’s watching him lately.

The moments that seize my soul are many right now….

listening to him carry on a great conversation
seeing his patience as he waited
watching him pull out his wallet and pay his own license, registration, and insurance
hearing the ways he treats his girl

I know that THIS is what the last sixteen years have been all about…
raising a man.

My soul seized yesterday
and I’m confident I will remember the day he drove out for the first time
just as I remember the day we drove him in for the first time…

no longer a mancub.


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