of pie and people…

Sitting around the table
clenching forks piled high
with bits of cream and raspberries
dripping off the tines,
we talked,
and shared our
heart aches and prayer requests.

I wrote them down.

Then she said,
“Heidi, your name isn’t on there.”

“I know,” I smiled
and then I spilled my heart
all over the plates with pie crumbs
and glasses with ice cubes.

And, in that spilling over of my heart
I realized (again) that I don’t do people well.
There are so very many
(too many???)
people in my world
and I don’t know how to balance it all,
balance them all.

I fail
and I hear
“You are a failure.”
“You failed her.”
“You failed me.”

And those words stick
like burrs to my heart
and rub,
until my heart is chaffed
and the sore penetrates my life.
Until I simply want to
gather my four and run to the woods
to hide.

I was in high school when I first heard
the lie that I was responsible for someone else’s happiness,
“You must not have your small group of friends,
you must include everyone.
You hurt people’s feelings.
You are responsible for their happiness.”

Sometimes it’s not what people say
but what we hear that sticks like glue
and becomes the greatest lie
the enemy uses to cripple.

It was in the spilling of my heart
that I finally heard it as the lie it is…
a lie I’ve believed for thirty years.

After we prayed together,
I looked at the pie aftermath
of dirty dishes and crumbs scattered
and of my own heart spilled in the midst,
mingled with the heart spills of those around me.

A beautiful mess on a warm spring night.

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6 thoughts on “of pie and people…

  1. I wish you lived closer to me or we lived closer to you! There are days that I really need to listen to you…to hear what you have to say. I need to ask questions. Learn. Grow. You stretch me with your words, despite the distance. Thank you.

    1. I wish we lived closer for so many more reasons that that! Just think of the conversations we could have over pie and coffee, or sushi, or Sabath meal, or…. πŸ™‚
      miss you and love you like crazy!!

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