Many have asked, “How are you? How’s the adjustment?”
Sometimes there just aren’t words.
I didn’t expect to be this way. I didn’t expect to miss him like I do. I equally didn’t expect to be this excited for his new adventure.
It’s a paradox that maybe only another mother would understand. I’m not pining my days lamenting that Eric’s gone on to college. Instead, my heart is learning a new relationship with the one who first called me mom… just as it’s supposed to.
Then, in the early light of this morning, I held a sweet, brand-new daughter born to one I would claim as my own. I sat in that rocking chair with my arms full as a few joyful tears leaked out. Memories of a younger me in this same hospital with my first born flooded my mind. I mostly remembered being overwhelmed with motherhood.
Overwhelmed with the thought of sleepless nights and bottle feeding. Overwhelmed with teething and tantrums. Overwhelmed with teaching and training when I fail so often. Overwhelmed with the privilege.
All these years later I’m still overwhelmed with motherhood. Elizabeth Stone said it best… “Making the decision to have a child–it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.”
For me, being a mother is a continually changing sea. Just as I learn who my children are, they change. And, just as I learn who I am, I change. Sometimes the ebb and flow crash loudly in my heart and sometimes the waves wash gently over me. I learned long ago there is no rhyme or rhythm.
But there is grace…and mercy…and gifts in the moment.