when you fail as their mom…

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In case you haven’t heard, Mother’s Day is the day after tomorrow. My newsfeeds on Facebook and Twitter are full of great posts on how to appreciate your mom, how to grieve the mom you lost, and how to be a great mom. On Sunday, Instagram and Snapchat will light up with pics of moms who are loved.

It’s just lovely.

Or not.

I guess it depends on your perspective.

In this Mother’s Week, where everyone is waxing eloquent on social media, yuck hit the fan here. Last night, I was covered in it and I feel like I’m still wiping it off this morning. It boils down to this.

I failed her.

Big time.

Again.

It wasn’t the “you never take me to Disney” kind of failure. I didn’t hear “you never let me hang out with my friends” or “I always have to do the dishes.” If only it were that simple.

I wish it were that easy.

Instead, I failed her heart.

Again.

It was the “you don’t listen to me” kind of failure. I heard “you never let me just vent, instead you are always trying to fix me.” Her own sweet heart bled through the tears.

Heart hurts are hard.

She is right.

Again.

Last night, I climbed into my bed still covered with my own yuck. It seems a long soak in the tub did nothing to remove the stench of my past failures as a mom to these three Es. There have been more than I could ever count.

I want to be the Mother’s Day mom… the Proverbs 31 mom… the fun mom.

Instead, I found myself wishing my children would have chosen a better mom.

As if.

The one thing I could not reconcile in the late hours last night? My children didn’t choose me. God did. For whatever reason, known only to Him, He chose me to be their mother.

He chose me to be the one who loved them first before anyone else knew of their existence.

He chose me to be the one whose pain brought them into this world.

He chose me to be the one who knows them best and loves them most.

And, I do.

Thankfully, today is a new day. And, the best way to love all 3 of them is to put on grace and forgiveness and pull my big girl pants up. I can’t wallow in the pit of yesterday because I will never come out.

Instead, I will show up today and be here to the best of my ability which means I won’t be reading Mother’s Day tributes online. There’s too much comparison there. Instead, I’ll just be here, in my own life. It’s much simpler.

I only have to be better than the mom that was here last night.

Shouldn’t be too hard.

She stinks at motherhood.

momfail

 

 

18 thoughts on “when you fail as their mom…

  1. Love this post. So important to remember you were chosen and are therefore the right mother for the child. We must move into the new day knowing His mercies are new each morning. Blessings, Lynn

  2. Amen, Heidi! What a beautiful post! This part, “you are always trying to fix me,” especially spoke to me because that’s been a longstanding fault of mine as well. Thank-you for sharing sharing what you are learning in walking in His grace.

  3. It’s okay… the other day my son wouldn’t stop pestering/tickling me and I bit him. Not hard but I did it! I don’t know what came over me but he just wouldn’t leave me alone! Thank goodness for grace LOL

  4. Oh precious mama, I have been there. I love this message because we have ALL been there. I love your heart, your beautiful words and the hope you offer us all. I wrote a post a while ago about how I failed my son- and I join you in beginning a new day filled with grace and hope that we were chosen for this calling with our children.

  5. It’s great to have the reminder that God chose you too be the mother of your children. Even if we fail, God will give us the tools we need to grow to become better for our children. 🙂

  6. I needed to read this post today. Mother’s Day, birthdays, and other holidays are tough for me. My oldest son soon to be 24 stop talking to me. It almost kills me daily and makes me numb when I think about it. It makes me feel as a failure as a parent. But divorce stinks and each parent as their story and sadly some kids chose a parent to side with!! I keep reminding myself God chose me to be my son’s parent for a reason. I wish my son would feel that way sometimes!!

  7. HuffPo published my Mother’s Day words this week. This is also the week I yelled at my toddler, berated by twelve-year-old, and may have even told the middle child she embarassed me. Here’s then thing, moms: we do a few things wrong, but we do a thousand and one things right. Ask forgiveness when you are wrong, but don’t live there. Take a few minutes to think about what you are doing right. You are a good mama and you deserve a Happy Mother’s Day!

  8. I have those days too – we all do – it’s nice to be reminded that we are not alone. Everyone makes mistakes. I like to use those opportunities as a teachable moment for my children too – that it’s okay to admit you were wrong and ask for forgiveness. ❤ Happy Mother's Day!

  9. Heidi, your words are so beautifully honest. It is such a positive step that you acknowledge your failures, look ahead and try to do better. You must know that you are not alone in your humanness. It’s also good that you knew you would need to stay away from social media for a bit. But do come back. Our moms need your honesty and encouragement. I pray you have had a good Mother’s Day. Each new day is an amazing gift of grace.

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